The New Guy - Transcript

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Chapter 26 - The New Guy

Angle on Randoms INC., inside Tim is trying to fix a printer, Alex and Lily are watching

Tim

“Yay! My hand is stuck!”

Lily

“Good job”

Malcom walks in

Malcom

“Hey Tim, Alex and Lily. We’ve been hiring some new faces. This one guy’s about your age, so keep an eye on him, show him the ropes, all that!”

Alex

“Yeah, okay! After this, this is hilarious”

Tim

“We’ll have to chop it!”

Lily

“Wait what...”

Malcom

“No you won’t, because the new employee is right here!”

A new person walks in, his hair covering one eye

???

“Hey wazzup?”

Tim

“Hey”

Alex

“How’s it hangin’?”

Lily’s eyes get big, as romantic music swells

Lily

“Uuuuuuh-“

???

“Whoa, you okay there?”

Lily

“Yep, totally! My name is Laura- Lily, I’m Lily! *awkward chuckle*”

???

“Cool, I’m P-Sauce!”

Alex and Tim choke on air

Tim

“Sorry THAT’S YOUR NAME?!”

Alex

“Why?”

P-Sauce

“Well funny story actually, I-“

Malcom

“P-Sauce, I have one more thing to say before I leave!”

P-Sauce

“Okay Mr. Silva!”

They walk out, Lily watches after them, blushing

Alex

“Wait a minute- OH N-“

Intro plays

Angle on P-Sauce walking down the hall with Tim, Alex and Lily

P-Sauce

“So, what do I do here exactly?”

Alex

“Well P-Sauce, we are a-“

Tim

“A paranormal investigation company, one of the biggest on earth! We fight horrifying monsters and stuff”

P-Sauce

“You should totally investigate my dad!”

He snaps

Alex

“What?”

P-Sauce

“It was a joke, because you said you investigate horrifying- n-never mind this is a new approach for me...”

P-Sauce looks embarrassed

Tim

“It’s alright! I’m a little weirdo!”

P-Sauce

“You seem so confident though, I kinda wish I had your flair”

Tim

“My what?”

P-Sauce

“Your flair! You’re like a rock star!”

Tim goes slightly pink

Tim

“Well, heh, yeah I guess I am pretty awesome!”

Alex

“Okay that’s enough of that. P-Sauce, let’s commence the tour”

Cut to Malcom, in the cafeteria kitchen

Paul and Shade walk in

Shade

“Oh you aren’t... normally in here... ever...”

Paul

“Yeah, also what happened to ‘I have a ton of cases to deal with don’t bother me?’”

Malcom

“Well I lied about that, it’s actually a pretty dry day. No I’m trying to make a pizza for dinner tonight, I have a meeting with Laura Boyer, trying to get her to sign a peace treaty contract. Then I’ll have dealt with all three of my business rivals”

Paul

“Didn’t you fire Jameson?”

Malcom

“He’s Jameson, he’s not really an issue let’s be real. Anyway, I asked Lily, and apparently Laura Boyer’s favorite food is pizza! I know, surprising right?”

Shade

“I always thought she like, ate gold bricks wrapped in swans”

Paul

“Yeah, wait isn’t she richer than you?”

Malcom

“*loud uncomfortable laugh* wow, look at that subject! Time to change it, help me make pizza!”

Paul

“Okay”

Back with Tim, Alex and P-Sauce, who have concluded their tour in the lobby

Alex

“So there was your tour, what do you think?”

P-Sauce

“Oh uh- it was- it was cool!”

Tim

“Yay!”

Alex

“You’re stuttering, why are you stuttering?”

P-Sauce

“Well y’know, it’s a lot to take in. A lot of... monsters and... high ceilings...”

Alex

“Yeah okay fair enough”

Lily bursts through the doors

Lily

“HELLO FRIENDS!”

Tim and Alex

“Hey”

P-Sauce

“Oh hi! Uh, Lily right?”

Lily

“Wh-what?! How did you know that?!”

P-Sauce

“You told me”

Lily

“Oh, well yeah, I’m Lily”

P-Sauce

“I know, you told me”

Lily laughs super nervously

Alex

“Okay, I get it...”

Tim

“Heh, she’s as hopeless as you were!”

Alex punches him in the arm

Tim

“Owie! My super hot arm”

Lily

“Hey Tim, Alex, can I talk to you two really quick? Privately, no offense P-Sauce”

P-Sauce

“Nah, it’s cool, I know where I’m at”

Cut to a closet

Lily

“I’m in a bit of a situation”

Tim and Alex

“We noticed”

Lily

“What really?”

Alex

“I mean... it wasn’t... uh...”

Tim

“Subtle, you had no subtlety, it was hilarious”

Alex punches his other arm

Tim

“Ow, now both my hot arms have tiny ouchies! You punch really softly”

Lily

“Yeah, okay, I’m crushing hard... and I... uh... well I asked my mom about it... and-“

Flashback to Lily and Laura eating lunch in the dining room

Lily

“So if I met a boy at Randoms-“

Laura

“No”

Cut back to the present

Lily

“So now I have no idea on what to do!”

Tim

“Hmm... there are many answers to your plea, but if I were to suggest something... uh... finish your sentence next time?”

Alex

“Your legs are looking really punchable”

Tim

“What?”

Alex

“What?”

Lily

“You guys have met my mom right? If I mention Randoms she’s gonna instantly shut me up!”

Alex

“So don’t mention Randoms!”

Lily

“Wait... is that allowed?”

Alex

“Just don’t specify where you met P-Sauce, if she asks, just say in the hood! That’s a cool word that could mean hundreds of things! But it is never asked for elaboration! It’s perfect!”

Tim

“Yeah, one time I brought home a dead dog, and Malcom asked where I found it, so I said on the street, and then he gave me the talk”

Right outside, P-Sauce is waiting

P-Sauce

“Um... *smacks lips* what am I even... doing anymore... uh...”

The three burst from the closet

Lily

“Sorry about that P-Sauce, I’m Lily by the way- DANG IT!”

Hard cut, back to the cafeteria kitchen. Malcom takes the pizza out of the oven

Malcom

“Oh that is fabulous!”

Shade

“Can I taste some?”

Malcom

“No!”

Shade

“Paul, describe it to me in detail”

Paul

“Kinda crunchy and cheesy?”

Shade (quaveringly and longingly)

“Yes”

Malcom

“Alright, toppings... I’ll handle that, you two make the cafeteria look like it’s worth eating in! This is go time people!”

Paul

“We will make it our prime objective! SHADE! LET US GO!”

Shade

“Okay”

Paul runs out

Shade

“So if after the meeting there’s any leftover pizza- y’know, I’m not helping, I’ll just go!”

Malcom

“Okay then... go”

Shade

“Oh right, guess going is a pretty important part of... going... yep”

He just stands still

Malcom

“Shade go!”

Shade

“Ok”

He doesn’t move

Malcom (sarcasm)

“This day has been absolutely perfect...”

Back with Lily, P-Sauce, Tim and Alex

Tim

“Let’s see, where can we find you some work?”

Alex

“Nick’s always looking for help in the Creature Department”

Nick (muffled because he’s a couple stories above)

“It feels worse than it looks ho ho ho”

P-Sauce

“That seems like a bit much for me... I’m new here...”

Lily

“Science department?”

Tim

“No, Paul has Shade to help him already”

Lily

“Drat”

Tim

“Hmm, potions?”

P-Sauce

“Yeah, let’s try that!”

Cut to the Potions Department

P-Sauce

“I worked the soda machine at my da- I mean a pizza place. This shouldn’t be too different”

Alex

“Yeah, totally the same. The only difference is the everything”

Tim

“He’ll be fine Alex! Be more supportive!”

Tim shoves P-Sauce in

P-Sauce

“Whoa!”

Tim

“Have fun!”

Tim shuts the door

P-Sauce

“Hey! That was mean... hmm... guess I can work the potions, cool!”

Cut. Tim, Alex and Lily enter the lobby

Tim

“Nailed it”

Alex

“Yep, now Lily, next time you see your mom, follow my plan!”

Lily

“Okay I will... I mean, luckily I have awhile before I go home, plenty of time to emotionally prep-“

The doors open, Laura Boyer enters, with two bodyguards

Laura

“I’m here”

Lily’s mouth drops

Laura

“Hi Lily! *looks at Tim and Alex* and co”

Tim

“Hey!”

Alex

“*clicks tongue*”

Laura

“I’m here for a meeting with Malcom, where is the man?”

A chair turns into Shade, Laura looks terrified

Shade

“Right this way madame! Hello? Oh you’ve never- yeah no it’s fine”

Hard cut, Laura is in the (now decorated) cafeteria with Malcom

Laura

“You made pizza? How kind”

Malcom

“I knew you liked it!”

Laura

“Lily told you”

Malcom

“She did”

Laura

“Well, what a twist *chuckles*”

Malcom

“*awkward chuckle* what, what is happening?”

Laura

“I’m trying to be friendly? Thought that was obvious”

Malcom

“Well given we have never been on great terms- anyway, let’s get talking!”

Cut to P-Sauce

P-Sauce

“Okay, let’s start mixing things... yeah...”

He grabs some ingredients and starts tossing them in a pot

P-Sauce

“What no that’s... that’s stupid... maybe a little-“

He dumps some bleach into the pot, it starts foaming

P-Sauce

“Hey I did something! That did something! Yes!”

The foam starts overflowing

P-Sauce

“Wait no, not good- NOT GOOD!”

Tim, Alex and Lily are walking down the halls

Tim

“We are so aweso-“

Alex

“AAAAAAAAAAGH!”

Lily

“What- HOLY-“

They get washed away in foam

Lily

“What happened?!”

P-Sauce surfaces

P-Sauce

“*coughs* oh hey guys... so, turns out working potions isn’t the job for me”

Tim

“Oh no, we’re heading straight for the cafeteria! That’s where Malcom and Lily’s mom are!”

Alex

“You know, I’d really love to be surprised once and awhile”

In the cafeteria, Malcom has the peace treaty contract on the table, Laura is reading it

Malcom

“And if you agree to all those terms, sign at the bottom of the page”

Laura

“Hmm... it’s tough, arson’s really off the table?”

Malcom

“Afraid so”

Laura

“*sigh* ah well, it’s probably worth it”

She pulls out a pen, slowly lowers it as Malcom watches excitedly

The foam bursts into the room, washing everyone away

Laura

“*coughs* WHAT IS THE MEANING OF THIS?!”

Malcom

“I don’t know! I didn’t even know we had this much foam!”

Laura

“YOU ARE LITERALLY THE C.E.O.”

Malcom

“Oh yeah, because YOU KNOW HOW MUCH FOAM YOU HAVE!”

Laura

“WINDOW!”

Cut outside, the foam bursts through the window. Cut back inside and the foam drains out via window. The six who were involved are laying on the ground, looking shaken

Malcom

“So... you’re not signing the contract?”

Laura

“Never”

Malcom

“Aaaaaaand we’re back to square one... great...”

Pan over to the four kids

P-Sauce

“Guys, I’m really sorry about-“

Tim

“No, it’s our fault. We shouldn’t have just picked a random job for you”

Alex

“Yeah our bad, it was stupid...”

Lily

“Yeeep”

P-Sauce

“Aw thanks guys!”

Laura stomps over, grabs Lily, and stomps off

Lily

“Guess I’m leaving, bye guys!”

Tim and Alex

“Bye!”

P-Sauce

“What an eventful day! I’m looking forward to our future adventures! WE ARE GONNA HAVE SO MUCH FUN!”

Malcom walks over

Malcom

“I assume you three had something to do with this”

Tim

“Four, Lily just left”

Malcom

“Right... uh, P-Sauce, I want to discuss your first job, come with me please”

P-Sauce

“Okay! Bye you two, stay fresh!”

He walks after Malcom

Tim

“Okay, what just happ-“

THE END